Born unto God

We found out we were pregnant in November and were thrilled beyond measure.   After I lost Brendan in May I found out I have a blood-clotting disorder that can affect pregnancy.  They told me to have every expectation of a healthy pregnancy, I would just need to have blood-thinning shots in my stomach twice a day, take baby aspirin, progesterone and high dose folic acid, which I did for the past fourteen weeks.

We were cautiously optimistic that everything was working out.  We kept our secret through Thanksgiving and Christmas and finally when I was twelve weeks told our family and close friends. Well, when I went in at fourteen weeks on Thursday we learned the baby had passed at eleven weeks.  It was a total shock and we were devastated, but at the same time confident that God is the Author of Life and He knows what He is about.  

I came home Thursday and Friday began having contractions.  I had terrible contractions all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday and thought I might have to go to the ER, but finally, finally on Sunday evening at 7:55 I delivered my beautiful baby.  There are no words to describe the experience of going through this, and even though I'd been through it before it is still quite horrible and beautiful all at the same time.  

Baby was precious- perfect little face, ears, nose, lips, eyelids, ten fingers, ten toes.  We baptized baby and thanked God for the time we got to have with him or her.  We probably will never be sure about the baby's gender.  We are naming the baby Gabriel Marie after the Archangel Gabriel and of course, the Virgin Mary.  

I have so many thoughts about all of this and I guess I want to say first of all that I am very happy in my life.  I love our children and my cup runneth over.  They are a blessing and they fill my heart to the brim with love.  I did not want another baby because I have a big hole in my heart that can't be filled without a baby.  God has my heart in His ever-loving hands and I am safe there.  

It's just that Marc and I find such joy and love from our children that we truly feel the more the merrier.  We see children as a blessing and gift and that is why we are open to God sending us more.  And we believe that every life is important and precious, and I have no regrets.  

When the pain was so bad I  couldn't sit I was pacing back and forth in the bathroom waiting and started listening to 90s country songs on the iPad.  :)  (We all cope how we cope!)   Anyway, the moment I lost Gabriel a Diamond Rio song was playing called "You're Gone" and the lyrics say-

I bless the day I met you

And I thank God that He let you

Lay beside me for a moment that lives on

And the good news is I'm better for the time we spent together

And the bad news is you're gone.

That is exactly how I feel.  I am better for having mothered this baby.  I have learned to suffer better for having this baby.  I have learned to love when it hurts because of this baby, and now I have another immortal soul waiting for me beyond the veil.   I have seven children- thanks be to God.  "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."