To the edge and back

I mentioned earlier that I had a rather dramatic miscarriage two Sundays ago.  It went on and on for days and was very painful.  Well, that whole week after when I should have been healing I kept bleeding.  On Friday I had an extremely scary bleed out, and then by Saturday I was weak and unable to sit up well or really walk.  On Sunday we finally went to the ER they said my blood count was 24.6, which is rather low- but they only do blood transfusions if you get to 21- and they did an ultrasound saying everything looked good.  They said I should go home and talk to an iron doctor on Monday.

I protested leaving the hospital- I pointed out that I was unable to walk and was shaking and chattering and still bleeding.  Finally they relented and admitted me for observation.  At 2 a.m. my blood count got down to 21 and my hemoglobin was 7.  My normal blood count is 40-60.    They decided to give me two units of blood and brought in a specialist with a highly sensitive ultrasound machine.  They discovered that I needed surgery immediately and that I would not quit bleeding without it.

Our Parrish priest came and anointed me and brought me the Eucharist before surgery.

I had surgery around 2:00 on Monday and then received one more unit of blood after that to get my blood count up to 29.  It is so scary to think of how close I got to the edge.  If I had gone home on Sunday night I would have deteriorated quickly.   

This whole two weeks of suffering has been something.  I have wondered a bit why it has all been so hard and dramatic, but at the same time I see God's hand in everything.  If I had simply gone to my regular doctor they may not have caught the problem- you couldn't see it on a regular ultrasound.   And I went to the ER on the day that my all my levels were plummeting.  Any earlier and they would have said "it's not so bad".   If I had gone home Sunday night I would have likely come back in an ambulance.

And even though the miscarriage itself was terrible, I got to see my sweet baby.  I got to baptize my baby and confirm that he or she was not an "idea", but a real, adorable, flesh and blood member of our family.  So, "though He slay me, yet I trust Him."

Thank you to BB who has been at our house constantly watching babies, cooking and cleaning.  Thank you to Poppy who fixed a million things in our house.  Thanks to the many friends who brought many meals, and thank you to Shana, who kept telling me what to say to the doctor over text.  She was saying "this is crazy- tell them you are symptomatic and tell them they should be taking your blood pressure lying and standing...." Shana takes care of me.  :)  She also brought emergency donuts Monday morning for Marc.  :)

I came home Tuesday and feel so much better.  I am going to be totally fine and this chapter is closed, Lord willing.  Thanks be to God.

Troops Hike

This morning Marc took Marky and Tucker on a hike with the Troops of St. George.  They weather was crisp and perfect and they had a great time.  And they were extra excited to see their chaplain- an EWTN Friar and Priest- join them.  They walked 2 and a half miles and prayed as they went.

The leader said, "I have brought two maps..." and Tucker lost his mind- "Can I HOLD the other map?!!!"  :)  My little map man.

John Muir 
“The mountains are calling and I must go.”

 Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the woods we return to reason and faith."

Anne Frank
"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature."

Richard Louv- Last Child in the Woods
"The woods were my Ritalin. Nature calmed me, focused me, and yet excited my senses.” 

Johnny Cash
"If you don't get outside every day, even for a minute, you have not appreciated what God has done.  It makes you grateful for our surroundings and starts your day differently."

By the way, I forgot to mention that Poppy took Marc and Marc Jr. hunting for the very first time last Friday.  They woke up at 4:15 and hit the woods early.  They loved it and can't wait to go again.

The daily puzzles

Tucker and Charlie are in a huge puzzle phase.  I'm trying not to let the hundred of pieces drive me crazy.  :)  Tucker works at least two puzzles a day and Charlie is right there and can really help.  Last night he kept talking at bedtime and Marc had to keep going up and he said, "Tucker this is the last time I am coming up here- stop talking and go to sleep."  Tucker said, "yes, sir, but Daddy you guess what?  I have been thinking of your head as a giant puzzle piece."  Oh Tuck Tuck.

Mild winter days

I have to say we have really enjoyed these mild winter days.  The children are outside all the time.  And yes, the child most likely to bring me a lizard, worm or frog is the sweet girly girl.

Tucker and Charlie are not the best at throwing and catching the football, but they've got tackling the guy with the ball down.

They have been on many hikes with Daddy to gather kindling wood for the fireplace.  They say, "Daddy, it's time to go exploring!"

Thank you for all your sweet thoughts and prayers.  When we got home last Thursday from the bad news ultrasound I had two full meals already delivered to the house by friends.  I have had meals every day since.   In fact today I received a meal that someone was making for another friend of mine who is sick.  My friend said, "please don't bring it to me- take it to Donna."   I am humbled and grateful for the Body of Christ.

Born unto God

We found out we were pregnant in November and were thrilled beyond measure.   After I lost Brendan in May I found out I have a blood-clotting disorder that can affect pregnancy.  They told me to have every expectation of a healthy pregnancy, I would just need to have blood-thinning shots in my stomach twice a day, take baby aspirin, progesterone and high dose folic acid, which I did for the past fourteen weeks.

We were cautiously optimistic that everything was working out.  We kept our secret through Thanksgiving and Christmas and finally when I was twelve weeks told our family and close friends. Well, when I went in at fourteen weeks on Thursday we learned the baby had passed at eleven weeks.  It was a total shock and we were devastated, but at the same time confident that God is the Author of Life and He knows what He is about.  

I came home Thursday and Friday began having contractions.  I had terrible contractions all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday and thought I might have to go to the ER, but finally, finally on Sunday evening at 7:55 I delivered my beautiful baby.  There are no words to describe the experience of going through this, and even though I'd been through it before it is still quite horrible and beautiful all at the same time.  

Baby was precious- perfect little face, ears, nose, lips, eyelids, ten fingers, ten toes.  We baptized baby and thanked God for the time we got to have with him or her.  We probably will never be sure about the baby's gender.  We are naming the baby Gabriel Marie after the Archangel Gabriel and of course, the Virgin Mary.  

I have so many thoughts about all of this and I guess I want to say first of all that I am very happy in my life.  I love our children and my cup runneth over.  They are a blessing and they fill my heart to the brim with love.  I did not want another baby because I have a big hole in my heart that can't be filled without a baby.  God has my heart in His ever-loving hands and I am safe there.  

It's just that Marc and I find such joy and love from our children that we truly feel the more the merrier.  We see children as a blessing and gift and that is why we are open to God sending us more.  And we believe that every life is important and precious, and I have no regrets.  

When the pain was so bad I  couldn't sit I was pacing back and forth in the bathroom waiting and started listening to 90s country songs on the iPad.  :)  (We all cope how we cope!)   Anyway, the moment I lost Gabriel a Diamond Rio song was playing called "You're Gone" and the lyrics say-

I bless the day I met you

And I thank God that He let you

Lay beside me for a moment that lives on

And the good news is I'm better for the time we spent together

And the bad news is you're gone.

That is exactly how I feel.  I am better for having mothered this baby.  I have learned to suffer better for having this baby.  I have learned to love when it hurts because of this baby, and now I have another immortal soul waiting for me beyond the veil.   I have seven children- thanks be to God.  "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Hanging on...

We are around- we've had some dramatic turn of events that I will share soon.  Here is a pic of how I feel- hanging in there, D

And now we are six....

"NOW WE ARE SIX"

by A. A. Milne

When I was one,

I had just begun.

When I was two,

I was nearly new.

When I was three,

I was hardly me.

When I was four,

I was not much more.

When I was five,

I was just alive.

But now I am six,

I'm as clever as clever.

So I think I'll be six

now and forever.

Tuckerbear, from the second you were put on this earth you have made us smile with delight!  You are the happiest, jolliest boy!

I cannot believe my wittle "Tuck Tuck" is six!  How in the world did my fat little bald baby turn into this handsome boy?!  It happened overnight!

You are the definition of precocious.  You get into trouble every day doing something adorable.  :)  You just do not sweat the small stuff- life's a banquet and most fools are starving- but not you!   You talk incessantly.  Every word you say is adorable and hilarious, but it is surely constant!  These past two days you spent the night at BB and Poppy's by yourself and our house has been SO QUIET!  :)  We miss our little chatterbug! 

You are just smart as a whip.   You blow us away with your thirst for knowledge and long attention span.  I can't get over how long you will sit and look at your atlases.  Hours upon hours you read about geography.  You love it, and I'm so glad you've had time to learn so much.  You know every state location, capital, flag, flower and motto, every country location, most country's capitals, and every country's flag, and most bodies of water, including random rivers and straights.   You chat to me all the time as you study your maps:  "Mommy the Kamchatka Peninsula is part of Russia, but it's very close to Alaska, which we bought from Russia. Alaska's Seward Peninsula looks like it's a uvula."  :)   As you stayed with BB this week and she said you went ahead and learned the counties in Alabama and even wrote a joke.  "Which Alabama county can you drink? Coffee County."  :)

She was teaching you about colors and how black is a "concentration of pigment", which made you laugh hysterically and then you wrote this card as a joke.  PIGment :)

Did I mention you can spell really well?

You are in a true "artist" phase and draw all day every day.   I find papers all over the house with random things written on them.  

  You CANNOT sit still- I repeat- YOU CANNOT SIT STILL.  :)  BB sent me these pics of you drawing at her house.  She said you said, "I am working so hard!"

You love the Lord and say precious things all day.  I love to hear you pray.  Your best friends are your siblings- you and Charlie are literally inseparable.  He adores you and follows you all day every day.   You are the best teacher we could ask for- you have taught Charlie everything you know! 

And you and Sissy are soul mates.  You have the exact same temperaments and tastes.  You eat the same food, play the same games.  You and Sissy love to pretend.  You will do anything she wants to do.  Playing school....

Tucker soup-

Constantly in costumes-

You and Marky get along well too and mainly bond at night time in your room where I hear a lot of giggling and constantly have to tell you to quit talking.  :)  

You are just the sweetest boy and I am so grateful for my sugarbear!  You are a delight and make me laugh every.single.day.  My effervescent cherub!  Mommy and Daddy love you to pieces!