Another son in heaven

Well, friends, I am sad to announce that we lost our precious baby boy.  I went in Wednesday for a regular check up.  The week before I had done a blood genetic/gender test and they came in all happy on Wednesday with the results- "Good news- you are having a boy and he tested negative for genetic disorders".  I was elated and called Marc and my mom and giggled over having three boys in a row!  What fun we would have!  Then I went in to see the doctor and they couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler.  I have an anterior placenta which can make it hard to hear so I wasn't worried as they sent me down to ultrasound to "double check that he's great".

As the ultrasound image came up- there was my beautiful big boy.  He measured 13 weeks 2 days and looked PERFECT- except his precious, beautiful heart had stopped.

I sat there in shock- I honestly NEVER considered this could happen again.  I was out of my first trimester- I thought I had made it.  Even the tech said- "I never see a miscarriage that looks this perfect- I can't see one thing wrong with you or him- even your blood work is perfect.   And because he is so big- it must have happened today."   I fell apart and was weeping loudly and was counseled on the next steps and slipped out the back door.

The next morning BB came early to keep the children and I insisted on one more ultrasound to be absolutely sure that we saw what we saw.  And again- he lay there- beautiful, big and motionless.  His heart was not beating there was no blood flow in his body.  Marc and I cried together and then they took me to surgery.  I knew I didn't want to deliver him at home- especially with him being so far along and last time I still had to have surgery even after delivering at home.   And I had already begun contractions on my own.

Since they were squeezing me in they couldn't do the surgery until 2:30.  I hadn't eaten or had a drink since before midnight the night before.  When I woke up they still never gave me anything to eat and I had lost a lot of blood.  Waking up in recovery and knowing he was gone from me was just devastating.  I cried and cried.  I lay in recovery for a hour or so- they gave me a Percocet for pain, and then I got dressed to leave.  As I had my purse in hand and went to get in the wheelchair I passed out and apparently my blood pressure bottomed out.  When I woke up I was strapped to a bunch of machines and there were a million people bustling about calling doctors and giving me shots.

They decided I should spend the night.  Mom came up to the hospital and Marc took the four children to Julia's first communion rehearsal and then home.  Mom spent the night and was the most attentive nurse anyone could imagine.    I was completely surprised when my parish priest came and anointed me and brought me Jesus in the Eucharist.  I had not called or asked him to.  It was SO HEALING and BEAUTIFUL.  And yes, I cried through it.

I made it through the night fine and am home now.  I have felt pretty awful all day and slept almost all of it.  BB made me my favorite homemade stew and has taken great care of me.  Marc has taken all the kids to Latin tutoring, and the library, and to lunch.  He and Tucker are mowing the grass as I type.  My friends are AMAZING.  Just yesterday we had three meals delivered and are being totally taken care of.  And Julia's best friend Margaret drew this precious picture for us of angels taking our baby to heaven.  And look how the baby reaches for heaven- Amen and amen!

Marc and I feel devastated.  The Bible tells us "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick" and my heart is sick.  I loved this baby- I wanted this baby- we ALL couldn't wait to meet this baby.   But I know the Author of Life makes no mistakes.  I do not grieve as those without hope.  This baby's days were numbered before the dawn of time.  God's ways are higher than our ways- His thoughts higher than our thoughts.  And none of us will get through this life without suffering.  We all have crosses to carry.  We are having him buried on Tuesday at the columbarium at our church.  The place where we buried Nathan Michael no longer lets people bury there- I guess once they let us do it word got out and it got out of hand.   I understand, but it's hard not to have the two boys together.  I am happy that our baby boy will be in town. 

We have named our son Brendan Patrick after the great Irish saints because our precious boy was with us all through Ireland.  Oh sweet Brendan- Mommy loves you so much.  I will always love you and never forget you.  I will hold you in my broken heart until I hold you in my arms.  Jesus, I trust in You.

Brendan Patrick Ayers

Born unto God May 1, 2014