A day for Brendan

Tuesday morning we had a mass and internment service for Brendan Patrick.  It was beautiful.  He was in a tiny urn on this table- between the red roses and the little bunny we bought him in Ireland.  

 
Father offered a beautiful and holy mass in the chapel for sweet Brendan.

Marc read the readings-

 

After the Mass, Father offered special prayers for the baby- they were so beautiful.

Then we processed from the chapel, through the sanctuary and out to the columbarium.

Marky was holding the holy water-

Here's the thing about all of this- it's hard.   Grief is hard.  However I keep telling people- you have to walk right through it.  I don't want to "not think about it" or try to get around it.  I want to face it head on, grieve, and come out the other side.  When I walked in the chapel yesterday I fell apart.  I literally felt like I couldn't possibly sit through the funeral of a second son.  Yet I did.  God gives us what we need when we need it.  And I know the prayers of so many sustained me.  And I cried through the entire ceremony, but then I felt SO MUCH BETTER.  I felt like a weight was lifted.  There is healing in the sacraments.  There is healing in having the Church acknowledge your baby- say your baby's name- and commend your baby's soul to God.

During the service Father said, "this baby was so small, so so tiny- yet his SOUL WAS BIG.  His soul is just as big and just as important to God as our souls.  He is loved eternally by the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."  This is our faith.  This is how we celebrate the sanctity of life.  Fittingly one of my friends gave Charlie a little elephant that looks like Horton from Horton hears a Who.  And of course the theme of that story is "A person is a person no matter how small."  Amen and amen.

Therefore Marc and I have a deep abiding joy in the midst of our sorrow.  As Father said, "Brendan missed the earthly journey- but he has arrived at the eternal destination."  We know we will see him again- we know he is enjoying the peace and joy of heaven.  Thank you, thank you a million times for the prayers.  I am telling you they help.  People think there is nothing they can do to help you in grief, but you CAN!  These cards, flowers, meals- they HELP.   I just can't thank you all enough.

Sissy's First Communion

Saturday, our beautiful sweet Sissybug had her first communion.  What a precious angel she is dressed as the bride of Christ.  She has been so eager to receive her Lord in the Eucharist.  

 

 

Daddy put on her necklace- she wore her celtic cross and a St. Patrick medal in honor of her baby brother.

 

Poppy came and babysat Charliebear.  That's why Charlie and Poppy are not in the pictures.  :)

 

 

 

 
And look who was an altar server- big brother!

 

   

Her sweet friends came and sat in our pew.  Julia was so excited!

 

 

Then today the church had the First Communion class wear their dresses again and bring the flowers for the May Crowning.  It was beautiful and Julia loved it-

And just a note from me- thank you all for you many thoughtful words and prayers on our behalf.  God really does use the body of Christ to soothe the broken heart.  I am feeling better each day and this was me in Mass this morning- a lap full of two precious baby boys who remind me my cup runneth over.  "Though He slay me, Yet will I trust in Him."  Job 13:15

Another son in heaven

Well, friends, I am sad to announce that we lost our precious baby boy.  I went in Wednesday for a regular check up.  The week before I had done a blood genetic/gender test and they came in all happy on Wednesday with the results- "Good news- you are having a boy and he tested negative for genetic disorders".  I was elated and called Marc and my mom and giggled over having three boys in a row!  What fun we would have!  Then I went in to see the doctor and they couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler.  I have an anterior placenta which can make it hard to hear so I wasn't worried as they sent me down to ultrasound to "double check that he's great".

As the ultrasound image came up- there was my beautiful big boy.  He measured 13 weeks 2 days and looked PERFECT- except his precious, beautiful heart had stopped.

I sat there in shock- I honestly NEVER considered this could happen again.  I was out of my first trimester- I thought I had made it.  Even the tech said- "I never see a miscarriage that looks this perfect- I can't see one thing wrong with you or him- even your blood work is perfect.   And because he is so big- it must have happened today."   I fell apart and was weeping loudly and was counseled on the next steps and slipped out the back door.

The next morning BB came early to keep the children and I insisted on one more ultrasound to be absolutely sure that we saw what we saw.  And again- he lay there- beautiful, big and motionless.  His heart was not beating there was no blood flow in his body.  Marc and I cried together and then they took me to surgery.  I knew I didn't want to deliver him at home- especially with him being so far along and last time I still had to have surgery even after delivering at home.   And I had already begun contractions on my own.

Since they were squeezing me in they couldn't do the surgery until 2:30.  I hadn't eaten or had a drink since before midnight the night before.  When I woke up they still never gave me anything to eat and I had lost a lot of blood.  Waking up in recovery and knowing he was gone from me was just devastating.  I cried and cried.  I lay in recovery for a hour or so- they gave me a Percocet for pain, and then I got dressed to leave.  As I had my purse in hand and went to get in the wheelchair I passed out and apparently my blood pressure bottomed out.  When I woke up I was strapped to a bunch of machines and there were a million people bustling about calling doctors and giving me shots.

They decided I should spend the night.  Mom came up to the hospital and Marc took the four children to Julia's first communion rehearsal and then home.  Mom spent the night and was the most attentive nurse anyone could imagine.    I was completely surprised when my parish priest came and anointed me and brought me Jesus in the Eucharist.  I had not called or asked him to.  It was SO HEALING and BEAUTIFUL.  And yes, I cried through it.

I made it through the night fine and am home now.  I have felt pretty awful all day and slept almost all of it.  BB made me my favorite homemade stew and has taken great care of me.  Marc has taken all the kids to Latin tutoring, and the library, and to lunch.  He and Tucker are mowing the grass as I type.  My friends are AMAZING.  Just yesterday we had three meals delivered and are being totally taken care of.  And Julia's best friend Margaret drew this precious picture for us of angels taking our baby to heaven.  And look how the baby reaches for heaven- Amen and amen!

Marc and I feel devastated.  The Bible tells us "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick" and my heart is sick.  I loved this baby- I wanted this baby- we ALL couldn't wait to meet this baby.   But I know the Author of Life makes no mistakes.  I do not grieve as those without hope.  This baby's days were numbered before the dawn of time.  God's ways are higher than our ways- His thoughts higher than our thoughts.  And none of us will get through this life without suffering.  We all have crosses to carry.  We are having him buried on Tuesday at the columbarium at our church.  The place where we buried Nathan Michael no longer lets people bury there- I guess once they let us do it word got out and it got out of hand.   I understand, but it's hard not to have the two boys together.  I am happy that our baby boy will be in town. 

We have named our son Brendan Patrick after the great Irish saints because our precious boy was with us all through Ireland.  Oh sweet Brendan- Mommy loves you so much.  I will always love you and never forget you.  I will hold you in my broken heart until I hold you in my arms.  Jesus, I trust in You.

Brendan Patrick Ayers

Born unto God May 1, 2014