How can I keep from singing?

On Sunday night the boys sang, "How Can I Keep from Singing?" and I cannot get it out of my head. It reminds me of these past six years and all the hard times that came with losing babies over and over again.   That sorrow will always be with me, under the surface.  I do fine day to day, even month to month, but every once in a while something triggers it and I fall apart.

And I thank God that He is Love.  He is Lord.  He loves those babies more than I do, and I can trust Him with their eternal care.   I am so beside myself with joy over our baby girl on the way, but I will never, ever forget the five babies whose five heartbeats I heard, all of whom I saw move, some of whom I held and counted their fingers and toes.

My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble sick with fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is Lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

Learning

This week Marc Jr. is going to a really cool basketball camp at a local college.  It's just a four-day camp, but it seems awesome.  We are having fun at home.    Julia has been playing "school" with the boys- and they are so sweet they will play anything she suggests.

Speaking of schooling your preschoolers, I always take for granted that everyone knows about the Preschool Prep DVDs.  They have "Meet the Letters", "Meet the Shapes", "Meet the Colors", "Meet the Numbers", "Meet the Phonics" and several "Meet the Sight Words."  We have most of them and they are AWESOME.  It is effortless teaching for Mom.  I put them on while I'm teaching the older children and while we wait in the car for the older children to finish an activity.  They are awesome, awesome, and I believe in letting the TV work FOR you, not against you.  Anyway if you wondered how Charlie knew all his letters, numbers, shapes and colors by 18 months-here's how.

I am ordering all my curriculum for next year.  It's so much fun to plan and get ready.   I am hopeful for a really good year.  This is the first time I haven't had a 'baby' in the house in 10 years, and so we should be able to really concentrate on academics. 

 It's interesting because a lot of people ask "are you done?" (as in done having children)  And they talk about they "sometimes think about" having more, but don't want to deal with the "baby stage" again.   These conversations primarily happen with old friends.  

I've thought a lot about these conversations.  In the Catholic circles we run in people don't really talk about "are you done?"  It's just assumed that you are open to God's will and don't necessarily know His longterm will for your family at this moment.  So I'm always a little shocked when someone asks me.  The funny thing about all these friends not wanting to "deal with the baby stage" again is that I don't commiserate at all.  

I have no life I am trying to get back to.  My personal dreams really kind of died when I became a mom, and I am totally enamored with my life at home with my children and am frankly DEVASTATED at the thought of not having a baby in the house.  I am so sad there isn't a stroller in the trunk of the car.  Isn't that amazing?  God really has turned my heart to my home, and I am so grateful.  I was a notorious "go getter" in my early life and somehow it just died.  I even got legal job offer the other day from one of my doctors asking me to review his contracts, and I wasn't interested even in the slightest.  

I am not trying to "hurry up" and get this baby thing over with.  I think the baby thing is the most AWE-INSPIRING thing I've ever been a part of.  And to see how my heart has changed over the years in that regard is amazing in itself.  I don't know if God will bring us more children, but I just wanted to say that even though my life is starting to get physically easier with Charlie being almost three, I am not celebrating an empty cradle.  God's will be done- Jesus I trust in You.  

Here's is a beautiful picture from Saturday's baptism.  Marc would like you to know he was NOT asleep, but praying.  :)

Divine Music to get through Monday morning

I came across this Miserere Mei Deus the other day.  I LOVE this and woke up this morning with the words in my heart.  Have Mercy on me, O God- the words are King David's from Psalm 51.  You have to listen until the soprano soars to the rafters- just amazing.

Have mercy upon me, O God, after Thy great goodness

According to the multitude of Thy mercies do away mine offences.

Wash me throughly from my wickedness: and cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my faults: and my sin is ever before me.

Against Thee only have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that Thou mightest be justified in Thy saying, and clear when Thou art judged.

Behold, I was shapen in wickedness: and in sin hath my mother conceived me.

But lo, Thou requirest truth in the inward parts: and shalt make me to understand wisdom secretly.

Thou shalt purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: Thou shalt wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Thou shalt make me hear of joy and gladness: that the bones which Thou hast broken may rejoice.

Turn Thy face from my sins: and put out all my misdeeds.

Make me a clean heart, O God: and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Thy presence: and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me.

O give me the comfort of Thy help again: and stablish me with Thy free Spirit.

Then shall I teach Thy ways unto the wicked: and sinners shall be converted unto Thee.

Deliver me from blood-guiltiness, O God, Thou that art the God of my health: and my tongue shall sing of Thy righteousness.

Thou shalt open my lips, O Lord: and my mouth shall shew Thy praise.

For Thou desirest no sacrifice, else would I give it Thee: but Thou delightest not in burnt-offerings.

The sacrifice of God is a troubled spirit: a broken and contrite heart, O God, shalt Thou not despise.

O be favourable and gracious unto Sion: build Thou the walls of Jerusalem.

Then shalt Thou be pleased with the sacrifice of righteousness, with the burnt-offerings and oblations: then shall they offer young bullocks upon Thine altar.

Better is one day in Your court....

A few weeks ago I went to a Mass and Luncheon celebrating our dear Father Lambert Greenan's 80th year as a Dominican.  That's right- 80 years!  How beautiful.  He lives in a local convent and has the happiest Sisters to help him in his golden years (he's 96 years old and just as articulate and funny as ever!)



Our Bishop, our former Bishop, the head of the Dominicans in Ireland, and the head of the Northeast United States Dominicans, along with many other priests and deacons, all came to celebrate this man who has given all his life to the Church.  They all said it's the only time they've gotten to celebrate a 80-year anniversary like this.



Father Lambert grew up in Ireland in a home with four boys.  Two of his brothers became medical doctors and he and his other brother became Dominican priests- spiritual doctors.  He entered the order when he was 16 years old.  That is him the suit, giving all he had to his King in 1933.



He had to get a special dispensation to be ordained a priest in his very early 20s.



Father is the most amazing man.  At lunch he told us all his three favorite moments from his priesthood and only then did I realize how he was a key person for so many amazing things that have happened in the church worldwide.  He is devout, orthodox and will tell you right out the things he doesn't care for!





After Father talked and joked he asked us all to sing "The Holy City", which is his favorite song. As we sang to the music, he closed his now-blind eyes and conducted with his hands leading us with is precious Irish voice. Not a dry eye in the room. This precious soul has given his life to the Lord- the Love of his life.



Last night I lay a-sleeping
There came a dream so fair,
I stood in old Jerusalem
Beside the temple there.
I heard the children singing,
And ever as they sang
Methought the voice of angels
From heaven in answer rang,
Methought the voice of angels
From heaven in answer rang.

 Jerusalem! Jerusalem!
 Lift up your gates and sing,
 Hosanna in the highest!
 Hosanna to your King!

And then methought my dream was changed,
The streets no longer rang.
Hushed were the glad Hosannas
The little children sang.
The sun grew dark with mystery,
The morn was cold and chill,
As the shadow of a cross arose
Upon a lonely hill,
As the shadow of a cross arose
Upon a lonely hill.

Jerusalem! Jerusalem!
Hark! How the angels sing,
Hosanna in the highest!
Hosanna to your King!

And once again the scene was changed,
New earth there seemed to be.
I saw the Holy City Beside the tideless sea.
The light of God was on its streets,
The gates were open wide,
And all who would might enter,
And no one was denied.
No need of moon or stars by night,
Or sun to shine by day;
It was the new Jerusalem That would not pass away,
It was the new Jerusalem That would not pass away.

Jerusalem! Jerusalem!
Sing for the night is o'er!
Hosanna in the highest!
Hosanna forevermore!
Hosanna in the highest!
Hosanna forevermore!

Pondering

I have been pondering these words for days and thought you might want to ponder them too.   A mom with six kids and chaos tried to visit with her girlfriend with a bunch of kids and chaos and noticed the other women in the hotel lobby where they met were having a quiet, uninterrupted lunch and she said-

Being able to enjoy fine beverages and adult conversation, unencumbered by the needs of small and noisy people, is a real treat. If Grace and I could have spent our whole afternoon that way, it would have been nice. But there’s this paradoxical truth of the universe, one that I only learned in recent years, which states that a bunch of nice moments do not necessarily add up to a nice life — and, conversely, a bunch of really difficult moments can add up to a beautiful life.   Found on Conversion Diary- HERE.

I can't get these thoughts out my head.  My moment to moment life is unpredictable and often very exhausting, but I feel like these moments are adding up into a beautiful life that I feel so blessed to have.  I could go to the spa or book store every day, but those nice moments will not add up to a beautiful life.    There is a real joy in the journey- the grind- the work of life.  I may not see the benefits in the moment, but as you look back at the journey you see the beautiful tapestry God is making out of these threads I offer Him.  I realize more and more that escaping life does not make it happy- you just have to get in there and get to work, and God will meet you there.  

 

 

Novena to the Holy Spirit

Yesterday was the feast of the Ascension- celebrating Jesus ascending into heaven 40 days after Easter!  Today we begin the Novena to the Holy Spirit to prepare for Pentacost.  A novena is a 9-day prayer- and we are entering into the 9 days where Mary and the Apostles waited in the Cenacle for the Holy Spirit (the helper!) to come.  Christians have been praying novenas ever since to immitate the Blessed Mother and the Apostles in their prayerful waiting.

If you want to join in the novena- the prayers are here.  God bless you!

"She smiled"

Today I heard Tucker asking Marky to get him an apple and Marky said, "go ask Mommy if it's okay."  Tucker ran with his little feet pounding the hardwoods and said, "Mommy, may I have an apple please?"  I, of course, said yes and heard his little feet thump thump thump back to the kitchen so fast.   Then I heard Marky say, "well?" and Tucker said, "SHE SMILED AND SAID YES!  Hooray!"

Marky said, "What did you say?" and again Tucker said, "SHE SMILED and said yes!"

How often do I not think about HOW I'm saying things or what my expression is when I'm dealing with the children.  How often to do I have an exasperated look when they ask me for something?  I know I smile at them a lot.  My children truly delight me to my core and I can't help but be happy with them, but I'm also many, many times just distracted and busy and sometimes just frustrated.  And yet I know they need my smile.  They need to know they light up my heart by the joy in my face.

Sweet little Tuckerman noticed right away when I smiled at him and ran to tell his brother.   It takes so little to fill their little hearts with joy and yet I act like remembering to smile is just too much to do sometimes.  I for one am going to really work on my countenance this week.  I want my children to know they are my joy because it's too obvious to deny- just look at the smile on my face.  How often do I ask Tucker to "fix his eyes", but I'm not always "fixing" mine.

Proverbs 15:13 says "A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance."  And I've recently pondered on the fact that the happiest people I know are the most selfless.  Selflessness brings joy.  Nobody has taught me more about that than Julia.  She is the truly happiest person I know in the world and she has no thought of herself.  She rarely gets her feelings hurt because she's not thinking about her feelings.  Even her bad dreams are about things about other people like "I dreamed Tucker fell down- it was terrible!".  Death to selfishness     is the key to overflowing joy.  Death to the selfish desire of wanting to read the internet right now and getting frustrated that the kids are asking for apples.  It's choosing to pour out my life more today than yesterday.   Everyday I'm learning this same lesson a new way from a new perspective.  But it always goes back to- die to yourself, to your wants, to your selfish desires and you will be free- you will be happy.  You will serve.  You will smile.

Tonight Marc took Tucker a cup of milk and said, "Mommy wanted you to have this."  Tucker said, "Mommy loves me."  Yes I do sweet baby boy.  I love you with all my heart and from now on with all my smiles.

The sign of the cross

Never leave your house without making the sign of the cross.  It will be to you a staff, a weapon, an impregnable fortress.  Neither man nor demon will dare to attack you, seeing you covered with such powerful armor.  Let this sign teach you that you are a soldier, ready to combat against the demons, and ready to fight for the crown of justice.  Are you ignorant of what the cross has done?  It has vanquished death, destroyed sin, emptied hell, dethroned Satan, and restored the universe.  Would you then doubt its power?

St. John Chrysostom (A.D. 347-407)

This and That

What to say? We had a relaxing weekend here at the house. We finally watched "Captains Courageous" a movie starring Spencer Tracy based off the book by Rudyard Kipling. Marky read the book this past week- it's really good- about a spoiled rich kid that gets stuck on a fishing boat and learns real responsiblity and respect for people. When I asked Marky about the book (I haven't read it) he said, "well, the boy starts out being rude and sour-faced, but turns out like a nice teenager with a tall, straight back." When your child says "sour-faced" you know they were really reading. It's not P.C. mind you, i.e. "I know this ocean like my wife knows her kitchen", but for little boys a great lesson. Marky has really taken off with reading books, this summer he read 40 Magic Tree House books (by himself) and The Hobbit (with Daddy at night). We started the Chronicles of Narnia series- I won't let him see the movie until we've read it so he was eager.

Sunday afternoon we had a picnic at a park with our 7-couple Bible Study group. It was a lot of fun. However, b/c of car trouble Marc had to go drop off the big kids and then come get me and Tucker. When we arrived, I asked where Julia was and I was told she was in the river and had taken off her dress. Yes, I walked down and she was wading knee deep in big white bloomers and a giant pink hairbow. She was supervised, don't you worry- but it was funny.

School is up and running...sort of. You see I'm not exactly, fully, totally organized, but we are getting there. My biggest trouble is pacing myself- figuring out how fast to go to make it last exactly one school year. I either go too fast or too slow.

You may wonder what I do with this guy during school. Don't think for a moment that he's totally unsupervised and standing on chairs to turn the lights on and off, that's silly.

And we certainly keep a level of decorum at all times. Appropriate clothes (costumes, mama's good pajamas) are a must. And you can bring your galactic firearms, but they have to stay under your chair.

Diverting a minute...

We have this beautiful vine-covered arbor on one side of the house that needs constant maintenance. At least once a week Marc trims it up and cuts off the overgrown vines. We had left the green clippings on the ground Sunday and yesterday afternoon I finally went out to rake them up. I couldn't get over how dead the clippings were- they were SO brown and dry and unrecognizable as the pretty vine they came from. And all I could think while I raked was, "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." I mean, I know that I need Christ, but really- that's what I was made to do and apart from Him I have no beauty, no purpose. I was going over the catechism with Marky yesterday about how God made him to be happy with God in heaven. We were made to be happy IN GOD not happy living according to our whims. Then, last night, I read this:

Sin passes itself off as an expansion, an emacipation; at the moment of yielding to it, every sinner is inclined to believe this. The very opposite is true. By sinning I emancipate myself only from my own proper nature, my own happy destiny, choosing a falsification of myself, following a road without a goal, or rather, one whose goal I am not seeking: my own perdition. Fr. Antonin Gilbert Sertillanges, O.P.

Those little vinelings may have thought, "look- I'm free- I can go wherever now- I'm not stuck", but all their lifeblood, so to speak, was gone. They were never created to live apart from the vine. Their "freedom" is their death. Lord, let us remain and bear fruit.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5